It’s no secret that helping others makes you happy. It’s been studied and documented that the brain releases feel-good chemicals when you do something good for others. So it’s probably not news to anyone that the act of volunteering has a positive effect far beyond the actual volunteer work performed. It’s pretty well established that volunteering can be beneficial, not just to you and the recipient, but to your family and your community at large!

It wasn’t until I was an accompanying partner on expat assignment that I was truly introduced to volunteering as a concept. I had helped others before and lent my time to good causes, but I hadn’t done it on a regular basis or in an organized fashion. I realized that volunteering was part of the fabric of the community in a different way than what I was used to from home. It was a nice discovery, albeit puzzling in some cases, my children’s schools being one example – they relied heavily on volunteers in order to function well, which seemed a little odd to me.

In the early days of my expat life, volunteering was a great way to meet people and make friends. I didn’t have a plan or a purpose, other than to feel like I belonged to a community of some sort and to make friendly connections so that I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Volunteering became a great way to accomplish both of those objectives.

I have since volunteered in all kinds of capacities, from occasional school functions to regular gigs where I have had a stated responsibility and filled a specific function. While most positions have been fulfilling in one way or another, I can’t say that every volunteer job has been great, or that I have always felt like I made a difference. I do know however that I have learned something new each and every time.

I feel like the learning aspect of volunteering is actually quite important, especially when you are in a foreign culture, trying to figure out how a workplace functions or how to communicate with peers and bosses for example. It’s given me an insight into work ethic, efficiency, how people view hierarchies and communication styles. Those are invaluable pieces of information to have and can serve as great confidence boosters, perhaps especially when you are applying for a job, but in many other everyday situations as well.

In addition to learning about your new culture, there are the obvious advantages of gaining relevant experience and making professional connections. If you have a more deliberate purpose for wanting to volunteer, such as to get some experience before entering the job market, then it’s helpful to be strategic by trying to find a good match for your interests and pursuits.

Whether you are volunteering for fun, to make social connections, to gain job experience, or because of belief in a cause, keep this in mind: kindness is contagious, and volunteering is an act of kindness.

By: Felicia Shermis

It’s amazing what a difference a couple of months can make. When my son was heading back to his overseas college after Christmas break, he was feeling pretty down about spending the next few months far away from home. He had a tough first semester, feeling very homesick and out of place. He was thinking that maybe he wouldn’t go back for his sophomore year but rather try to transfer to a school closer to home. As a mom, I badly wanted to help him feel better but there wasn’t much I could do. All I could say was: give it a little bit of time and things will be different, and if they aren’t, you can always come home.

Of course, I had no way of knowing how he would feel, whether time would really help him settle in or not. All I could do was to think back to my own first few months in college. I remember how very homesick and lost I felt, and I only moved two hours away from home, by car. My son is a 10-hour plane-ride away – no wonder he was homesick!

I also know by now that when moving to a new country (whether far away or not), there is going to be a learning curve, there are going to be moments of feeling like you don’t belong. And this is where time helps, because the more you are exposed to everyday life in your new country, the more “normal” (for lack of a better word) it seems and the less surprised you are by how people line up for the bus or eat their fries. And one day, you’ll find yourself dipping your fries in mayo without even thinking about it, even though it was the grossest thing you’d ever seen just a few short months ago.

With time you also get a chance to build relationships and make connections, which is extremely important for an overall sense of wellbeing. I am not suggesting that any of this happens automatically or without work, I am simply saying that time is a necessary ingredient in order to make a new place feel like home.

Back to my son, who now has a few more months under his belt and with that, a whole new perspective. Just a couple of weeks ago he signed a lease together with four other guys for an apartment rental for next year. We have gone from near daily FaceTime sessions to maybe chatting once a week. Between the time difference and his now busy schedule, he simply doesn’t have the time, nor the need. Just this week he was playing volleyball, going to a concert and having his standing weekly dinner with a group of friends.

It’s easy to feel powerless when trying to help your teenage children settle in a new place. They have to do much of the work themselves and it’s often the case that you just have to let time pass. Because it’s so crucial for teenagers and young adults to be part of a larger context, to have friends they can relate to, developing friendships is high on the list when talking teenage adaptation. And while you can facilitate and help, you can’t actually make it happen for them. Sometimes all you can do is remind the young adults in your life to give it a little bit of time.

By: Felicia Shermis

What is it that constitutes feeling settled in a new place? Is it when you start thinking in the local language, when you’ve gotten the hang of basics, such as queuing and ordering food at restaurants, or when they know your name at the local Starbucks? Is it when you get the jokes on late night TV shows? I suspect there are as many answers as there are expats. And for some, feeling settled never really happens. However, I think most of us strive for that sense of belonging and knowing – of understanding the cultural codes of our new country. It’s quite exhilarating when it does happen!

There are two instances that stand out for me as moments of when I started to feel like I was getting the hang of things. The first time was when my old car broke down on a busy road during rush hour traffic. I had my one-year old in the back seat and could have easily panicked – cars were coming from all directions and I was at a bad spot in the middle of a curve. I was terrified, but I stayed calm and I knew where to call and what to say in order to get help. In addition, I knew which car shop to get towed to (sadly, the car had already been in a few times). I felt oddly empowered by the experience and I knew that if I could handle that, then surely I could handle most everything else in this foreign country.

The second “event” was gradual and had to do with understanding cultural references on the TV show Seinfeld in a way that I never had before. I had been a Seinfeld fan since the beginning and I always thought it was a funny show. But after having lived in the US for a year or so, I started to experience the show in a different way. I had a more nuanced context for the setup of the jokes and so they took on a different meaning. I don’t know that the show got funnier, but it did get more interesting.

There are things that I will never fully adopt or get used to in the US. For example, I still, after over 20 years, convert in my head from Fahrenheit to Celsius to make sense of what the temperature actually means in practical terms. Because I have no intuitive feeling for what 60 degrees Fahrenheit feels like, I am left wondering: do I go for a light jacket or bundle up? 15 degrees Celsius however is something I know, something my body knows – light jacket on!

Same thing when it comes to measurements; I gravitate toward the metric system in order to truly make sense of how long, wide or heavy something is. Inches, feet and pounds will always be a mystery to me. To be honest, I don’t know how anyone can make sense of this system, and I will admit I have pitied my kids on occasion when they have had to learn and work with this in school. I think it’s safe to say I have not been of much help in that department.

I don’t know that you have to feel fully immersed in your adopted country in order to declare your relocation a success. What I do believe is that it’s a great thing to feel at home in many different cultures. There is something to being comfortable and intuitively aware, as opposed to always having to try to read a situation, be it at work, the grocery store or the bank. This quote from HSBC’s annual expat survey sums up expat life pretty well: “(It’s) challenging as you must always be learning something new but that is also what is exciting about it”.

By: Felicia Shermis

One of the best things I did during my first few years as an accompanying partner on expat assignment was going back to school. Not only did it provide me an opportunity to acquire new skills and make myself employable, it was also a way to meet people and make friends. In addition, I made professional connections that later landed me my first job in my new country. But more than that, going back to school served a subtle purpose as it became a way for me to feel “normal”, it gave me something to identify myself by at a time when most of what I knew about myself I had left behind.

It sounds dramatic perhaps, but being the accompanying partner on expat assignment can be disorienting and it’s easy to lose your footing when you have given up your career, moved away from friends, family and familiar surroundings all the while trying to figure out life in a new country. I remember feeling very unsettled. Going back to school provided structure to my week with classes and homework. Slowly and surely I also developed a social life surrounding school and eventually life began to resemble something I recognized as mine.

In hindsight I also wouldn’t underestimate the general cultural and societal adaptation that going to school provided for me. I learned a whole lot about how to go about life in my new country by signing up for and attending classes. I had to interact with teachers, fill out paperwork, apply for parking passes, and learn to work with the other students. I was intimidated at first and there was a definite learning curve to all aspects of attending school, but with every step came a sense of achievement and I started feeling like I was in control of my life again.

It took me about a year and a half to complete my certificate program and during that time I made a couple of good friends and gained professional connections. When it came time to look for a job, one of my classmates got me hired as a contractor at her company and eventually I was offered a full time position.

I have continued to take classes ever since I finished that first program. When I was home with young children it became a welcome distraction to head out for an evening class once a week. It made me feel like an adult, and even though I was sometimes too tired to really make much of the class I was taking, it was always something that added perspective and inspiration to my everyday.

Once I had less of a need to make social connections, I started looking into online classes. They offer a great opportunity to take classes for fun or to learn new skills while offering a flexible schedule. I have taken everything from photography to intercultural communication through online programs and for the most part, the instruction is very good. The beauty of online programs is that you can attend classes from all over the world.

Online programs may require a little more discipline than in-class courses and sometimes if you get stuck on an assignment it can be discouraging to not have a teacher or classmate available to ask for help. However, my personal experience is that the online forums and the technology driven interactions work really well and rarely have I been left hanging for any length of time.

A few years back I signed up for an evening class that was attended almost exclusively by young professionals. By then it had been several years since I had taken an in-class course and I was a bit rusty and not sure what to expect. What I did know however was that I needed pen and paper for notetaking, that has always been my method for staying focused and taking in material. I quickly felt like a real old-timer as I looked around and everyone was multitasking on their phones and computers, taking notes, looking up stuff (Facebook, Twitter, chats…) and finishing assignments effortlessly. I was blown away by their ability to do so many things at once. I have a lot to learn!

By: Felicia Shermis

Changing schools can be tricky in the best of circumstances and doing so because of an international relocation can complicate matters even more. It’s not just the kids who go to school who have to make adjustments and figure out the new lay of the land; parents do too. With a new school, you have a different culture and new expectations, couple that with the fact that you haven’t yet made social connections you can rely on for information exchange and support, and the learning curve for the parents can be pretty steep.

When a child starts a new school, whether in a foreign country or not, there is great focus on making sure it goes as smoothly as possible. As parents we spend time and energy ensuring our kids are ok in their new environment: we aid as best as we can with social connections, see to that they can join in after school activities and we share basic information about our kids with the teacher. Likewise, the school on its end is focused on helping the new child feel welcome and get settled as quickly as possible.

The support system may not be quite as evolved for parents. Once you have gotten your child enrolled, you are typically left to your own devices to figure out how to get to know other parents and learn what the school culture is.

The well-known African proverb states “It takes a village to raise a child” and with a little bit of luck, and some work, school is definitely one of the places where that village is created. Knowing the school staff and other parents enhances your child’s experience at school and it aids your own. It’s important from a perspective of safety and wellbeing. A network of parents who know and look out for each other’s children is a resource that can’t be underestimated. This extends beyond the schoolyard into the community at large.

There is no one right way to build a network, and sometimes what works as a charm in one place won’t make a dent in another. So, it’s quite possible you’ll have to experiment a little and try a few different methods.

If you have the good fortune of switching schools at the beginning of the school year, you’ll typically be able to catch back-to-school night, or a teacher meet-and-greet. These are great opportunities to introduce yourself to your child’s teacher and to make connections with other parents. Additionally, this is also the time when a teacher spells out how you can expect the school year to unfold: what volunteering opportunities there are, what the homework policies look like and preferred communication methods.

Arriving mid-year can be tougher for all involved and may require a little more direct communication with the teacher and also some bold moves to get to know other parents. One thing I always look for is a class list with parents’ contact information; it’s a handy thing to have for a multitude of reasons: setting up playdates, information exchange, learning names…

When my kids were little I found chatting in the schoolyard at pick-up to be a great way to make connections with parents, some of the people I met are my good friends today. However, this is clearly not a viable strategy for all parents and it’s certainly not the only way to make connections. Field trips offer great opportunities. Not only can they be fun and interesting, but you also get to spend extended time with the teacher and other parents. Best of all, you’ll be able to see your child interact within the class environment. Joining the parent-teacher association is yet another way to connect with parents, as well as an excellent way of staying clued in on school issues.

Whether you are staying long or short term in your new place, putting some effort into the school community can be worth a whole lot, to you, your kids and the community at large. Give it a shot!

By: Felicia Shermis

“No Christmas tree at psychologist Anderson’s house this year” was the headline for a news broadcast I caught earlier this week. The report was on holiday stress, and how harmful it can be to our mental and physical wellbeing. As you can glean from the headline a psychologist was being interviewed, and this year in order to reduce stress, he and his family were forgoing the Christmas tree. Personally, I would be sad not having a tree, but that’s because a Christmas tree is not a stress inducer for me, quite the opposite. A Christmas tree makes me feel good with its fresh smell, festive ornaments and glittering lights. My stress triggers are different.

The gist of Mr. Anderson’s concern was how you identify what it is that makes you stressed and what you can do to balance the demands of the season with your own needs. Mr. Anderson and his family decided against a tree, because for them it represented mostly work and very little reward. For others the answers to a less stressful and more fulfilling holiday season lie elsewhere.

The ‘too-stressed-for-your-own-good’ warning signs mentioned in the interview included frequently walking into a room and forgetting why you are there. Mr. Anderson acknowledged that this happens to all of us occasionally, but argued that if it happens regularly then it might be a sign that you need to slow down. Considering this is the case for me, I figured maybe it’s time I inventory my own stress level.

My family has already simplified parts of the holiday craziness; for example we decided several years ago not to buy gifts for adults and we are pretty relaxed when it comes to food and decorations. However, there are other stress inducers that can throw me for a loop during the holidays, such as crowded stores, a lack of time to exercise regularly and a general sense of angst at the contrast between our holiday extravaganza and the reality of the state of the world at large.

Crowded stores are fairly easy to avoid – you can do most any kind of shopping online these days, from groceries to electronics to clothes. Buying online may require a little more foresight and planning, but that’s not so bad, is it? I do like bookstores though, and since wandering about a bookstore makes me feel good I will keep venturing to my local one, for sure.

My need for exercise is someone else’s need for a massage or an hour of quiet meditation; basically it’s the need for personal re-charging, and we all have our preferences for how to do this. It’s tricky however, because even though I know I’ll become grumpy, irritable and less productive if I don’t go for a run or a nice long walk, I am still willing to skip it because it produces guilt. It’s hard to say ‘I am going to take care of me now’, when there is a house to clean, kids to drive, food to cook and presents to buy. Once guilt enters the picture the whole point of taking time for yourself is moot. This is definitely an area to work on.

The holiday message of joy and peace is important and it’s a good time of year to take stock of where you are, in relation to yourself, family and friends and society at large. This leads me to the third “stress-trigger” which is the contrast of worrying about “making holiday cheer” while there is a general sense of unrest in the world. How do I make sure my kids understand that the holidays are not just about presents and decorations and food? How do I foster compassion and awareness without killing the joy?

While I don’t have a great answer for myself yet regarding the third trigger, I do know that, as with most things in life, finding holiday joy is a matter of striking a balance and being willing to compromise a bit. So, if you feel like the season has you overwhelmed, take a few minutes to think about what your triggers are and what you can do to make the load a little lighter. Personally, I try to think about “having the courage to be kind” to myself and others, figuring that if I can do both, I am a step closer to some peace and joy, and maybe the rest of the world is as well.

By: Felicia Shermis