A Goal Check to Stay on Track

While cleaning out an old moving box recently I found a list tucked inside an old diary. It was a to-do list of sorts and the three top items said:

  1. Get a summer job
  2. Buy/find/make a pair of black pants
  3. Cut hair short

I was 14 when I wrote this list and I did get a summer job and I sewed myself a pair of black pants. I am not so sure about the third item, I think I cut my hair the following summer. But still, two out of three goals achieved, isn’t all that bad.

Most of us have goals of various kinds, long-term and short-term, big and small. Some of us write down what we want to accomplish, how to go about it and by when. Taking stock of our goals however, is something that often falls by the wayside as we get busy with everyday life. So what better time to think about the things you’d like to do, change and experience than during summer vacation? After all, this is the time when routines are shifted and time slows down just a little bit, leaving room for reflection.

As an expat you may feel like you have to examine most everything in your life and reconsider all of your previously set goals. Perhaps you are thinking that since your circumstances have changed drastically, maybe your goals should as well.

That can be a jarring and overwhelming thought and I would say one that isn’t really true. Sure, you may find that some goals need to be adjusted, and you may discover a whole new set of goals simply because you have new perspectives and inspirations. For many however, the immediate goal when first arriving in a new country is pretty given as you are trying to adjust to a new culture and learn to speak a foreign language.

However, once the moving dust has settled, taking a closer look at your goals is a good idea. There are a few questions you can ask yourself to get started, such as:

  • What are my short-term goals?
  • What are my long-term goals?
  • What goals have I achieved so far this year?
  • What am I struggling with in terms of reaching set goals?
  • What kind of adjustments do I want to make?

Lastly, having a plan for how to achieve your goals is important. Goals without plans become wishes more than anything else, and wishes are subject to luck and the benevolence of others. A goal with a plan is your own creation all together, and one you can make happen!

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

Communication between expat partners – sometimes fragile, always crucial

At about halfway through the summer each year, I start noticing newspaper articles discussing the strain vacation puts on couples. The gist of most of these articles is that heightened expectations (that are not well communicated), in combination with spending extended time together without the regular framework of everyday life, exposes communication deficiencies within a relationship. One could argue that this is the exact situation expats living abroad experience. Only in their case, the everyday framework has been turned upside down completely with a new job, foreign language and different culture all at once.

I read a fair share of articles and blog posts chronicling expat life and it appears to me that one of the big stumbling blocks for couples is that they enter life abroad with completely different expectations of what it will be like. Often times, there is a working partner and an accompanying partner and their realities, once in place are pretty different.

The working partner has to quickly get into the new job and focus on getting to know coworkers, work culture and procedures while the partner staying home is left with the practical matters of getting settled. Both partners may have a difficult time understanding the other’s perspective.

I remember the early days abroad as very isolated and lonely. My husband worked long days and was absorbed with something new and exciting from the get-go. I spent the days making sure things worked at home – dealing with paperwork and making phone calls to institutions of various kinds. At the end of the day my husband was filled with impressions while I was a little starved for real interaction. He was making social connections at work while I was mostly speaking to anonymous clerks and officials. He had instant access to a new and exciting world while I had the more mundane task of setting up “everyday life”. Considering all this, it’s not so surprising that a couple can end up with completely different experiences of life abroad, at least initially.

Complicating matters further is the idea that you are supposed to be happy and excited – after all, you’re on the adventure of a lifetime! Expressing unhappiness or doubt, or letting your partner know how out of place you feel, or how overwhelmed at work you really are, is not an easy thing to do. Speaking about the experience to your regular support network of friends and family back home can be equally difficult – leaving you feeling doubly isolated.

It’s impossible to know beforehand how you will react to your new life situation, but acknowledgement that change is coming and frank discussion about what you are thinking is a good start.

As with all communication you have to be willing to be open and honest in disclosing how you feel. Likewise, you have to be willing to listen and acknowledge that this is how the other person experiences the situation. Lastly, as is almost always the case with international relocation – there is much help and insight to gain from those who have gone before. So, if you get a chance, speak to someone about what his or her experience of life abroad has been – it is invaluable!

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

Summer reading – it’s not just for school kids

This month has been all about communication and language and the impact both have on those settling someplace new. It struck me that the two have a lot to do with one of my favorite pastimes: reading. And since we’re in the middle of summer vacation, I figured – what better time to share some ideas for books to read? After all, books, from whatever genre – fiction, memoir, travelogue, etc. have the power to transport and illuminate, by examining cultures and simply offering different perspectives on life. Sometimes, they remind us of home, and that can be good too.

There are of course several expat-oriented books that explicitly deal with the experience of moving to a new country and adapting to life there. There are guide books and travel books that can be immensely helpful to someone moving abroad, as can any number of expat oriented websites and blogs. This post won’t really talk about those, other than to provide some links at the very end.

What this post will discuss are a few books that deal with transition, moving, and life changes in general. Whether you pick up one of these, or something else, it doesn’t really matter. It’s all about reading something – anything – that fits your needs, tickles your fancy and suits your taste. Here are some that I like:

The Emigrants by Vilhelm Moberg: this series of four books is perhaps the ultimate tale of what it’s like to leave your home and settle in a foreign place. It describes the long and hard journey of a family of emigrants leaving behind their poverty stricken lives in rural Sweden to settle in the United States in the 1850s. Clearly, moving across the globe these days is very different from back then. However, the feelings of loss and wonder are timeless, universal and relatable.

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan: this book describes the lives of four Asian women who had to leave China in the 1940s and the relationship with their four adult, very Americanized daughters. A central question in the story, and one I believe resonates with many global citizens: how do you maintain familial bonds across cultural and generational gaps?

The price of water in Finistère by Bodil Malmsten: beautifully and poetically written about the author’s struggles and joys when settling in a new country and all that that entails: picking up a new language, finding reliable help with fixing up a house, learning how to behave at the grocery store and the post office in order not to offend anyone. It’s funny and touching.

Paris in Love: A Memoir by Eloisa James: author Eloisa James took a year long sabbatical from her job in the US and moved her family to Paris. This memoir describes her day-to-day life, the obstacles and successes and it gives intriguing glimpses of Paris as the author slowly but surely “discovers” the city.

Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss: this may be a children’s book but anyone entering a new phase of life can gain insights from its simple but powerful messages. The fun illustrations and rhymes add to the reading experience.

While on the topic of reading books – joining (or starting) a book club is a wonderful way to meet people and make social connections. “Book clubs are the great leveler in expatriate life. It’s where you can talk to the head of a huge multinational and still discuss things on an equal footing,” says Catherine Gough, a member of a Tokyo book club (from the article “Tips for starting an expatriate book club”, The Telegraph).

By: Felicia Shermis

Expat reading tips:

The Expert Expat: Your Guide to Successful Relocation Abroad by Melissa Brayer Hess and Patricia Linderman

Expat Women: Confessions – 50 Answers to Your Real-Life Questions about Living Abroad by Andrea Martins and Victoria Hepworth

The Expats: A Novel by Chris Pavone

Moving Without Shaking: The guide to expat life success (from women to women) by Yelena Parker

Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds by Davis C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken

/0 Comments/by

Communication – Brings us Together and Sets us Apart

If our ability to communicate is what defines us as humans, then why aren’t we better at it? If you consider that something as simple as the “V-sign” hand gesture has completely different meanings depending on where you are – it’s a symbol for peace in the USA, while signaling contempt and rudeness in some other parts of the world – then maybe it’s not so strange that other kinds of communication are equally complicated.

It’s a little ironic that in a time where we have an abundance of methods with which to communicate, we still have the same problems we’ve always had. It doesn’t seem to matter that we have language translation programs at our fingertips, instant information on any topic available by a tap on a screen, and a love connection a swipe away. True communication, as in understanding each other, appears as elusive as ever.

One of the reasons, of course, is that interpersonal communication doesn’t happen in isolation, there is always a context to a message and there are many aspects in play. There is the “sender” and the “receiver” and that which they both bring to the table – cultural backgrounds, age, sex, mood, education, etc. If we are not in tune with the context in which something is being communicated, misinterpretation and misunderstanding are very possible outcomes.

I spent this past week at a volleyball tournament with my teenage daughter. It struck me that the group I was with is a perfect illustration of the difficulty of achieving good, effective communication across cultural divides, while also navigating language barriers.

It turns out that this team has a diverse group of parents from different cultural backgrounds, everyone with a slightly different perspective and emphasis on what’s important, be it in regards to what and how you eat, how you get around, how much you pitch in and what is expected of the kids. The following became clear very quickly: good communication almost always brings people together, whereas poor communication does the opposite.

I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that our week had its fair share of miscommunication, and not infrequently, hurt feelings and bruised egos. Now, you might think I am talking about the teenagers here, but that’s not the case – these were the adults. It’s interesting to note that most misunderstandings started and spread via electronic communication and they were always resolved through face-to-face interactions, where there were opportunities for questions and clarifications.

Perhaps the best thing to keep in mind is that interpersonal communication is indeed complicated and people are not mind readers. Also worth keeping in mind: the rewards of good communication are outstanding — as Rollo May says: “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

By: Felicia Shermis

Quote from: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_communication.html

/0 Comments/by

Do we Become More Patriotic While Living Abroad?

As I am writing this, I have just spoken to my mom back in Sweden about the day’s Midsummer’s Eve festivities. It was getting to be evening, and things were winding down, but it sounded like they had had a really good time. It’s morning for me so I still have time to figure out what we’re going to do. Uncharacteristically, we have no plans. When the kids were younger, we would make an effort to celebrate with all the traditional fixings – food, Maypole, singing and dancing. It felt important. This year, with the kids all scattered and doing their own things, I’m thinking maybe it’s enough to “celebrate by proxy”, via my mom. That, and maybe a glass of bubbly tonight!

I am not quite as indifferent as it may seem however. Before the day is over I will undoubtedly talk to some friends back home and have them tell me about their celebrations. We’ll probably reminisce about the good old times, and tell a funny story or two. I’ll read newspaper articles about the raucousness that by now will have replaced the family friendly early evening festivities. In short, I will revel from afar.

During all my years abroad I think I’ve become more prone to celebrating my country’s holidays, following its sports teams and promoting its culture. I don’t think I am alone in this. For many of us it’s a way to stay connected and involved, it helps make home more tangible.

I often hear stories from other expats about the lengths to which they go in order to keep some of home alive and well while living overseas. Who hasn’t traveled far and wide for a specialty food item, or squealed for joy when unexpectedly finding a favorite item from home? Or better yet, promoting something that you never really gave a thought to before moving. I know I have.

I read an article recently about a guy who had never been interested in soccer whatsoever. After living abroad for some time he found himself a huge fan of his national team, watching games on TV, reading up on players and even traveling to see games if they were within reach. Being able to immerse from a distance made him feel closer to home. It spurred pride and longing all at once.

For me it wasn’t soccer. No, I have developed a slight obsession with crossword puzzles. I had never as much as attempted to solve one before, and now I am stocking up every chance I get. I think it’s a combination of having to deal with the language in a tangible way while at the same time getting current event insights. The whole exercise just gives me a tremendous amount of satisfaction.

I’m not sure we become more patriotic while living abroad. I do think it’s common however to crave things that remind us of home. I don’t think it has anything to do with not wanting to be where you are, or a lack of interest in the new culture. As a matter of fact, when I think about it, among my expat friends, it’s the ones who are the most in tune with traditions from back home, that are also the most settled and invested in their new community. Maybe this speaks more to type of personality than anything else. But regardless, it’s interesting to think that absorbing a new culture and way of life, is also something that fuels your wish to maintain a strong connection to home.

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

Bringing up Multicultural Children

Watching my now mostly adult children navigate the world around them, I can’t help but think that this planet would be a more understanding and tolerant place if more of us had grown up the way they have, with several cultural heritages to influence them, and with the opportunity to get to know different parts of the world. It strikes me as a little ironic that, even though we are increasingly connected across the globe, both virtually and physically, somehow interpersonally we seem to become more polarized and less understanding of each other.

I had many concerns about having children abroad and raising them far away from home. I worried about what it would be like not to have a family support system to rely on for advice and help. How do you replace the comfort, knowledge and wisdom of family and long-term friends in a place where you have none? The answer is an ambiguous “you can, and you can’t”. The truth is I often found it very difficult. However, as time passed, I started making connections and forming new bonds. And, eventually, I had built something akin to a “substitute family”.

For my children I wondered if they would struggle with connecting with their grandparents and cousins, whom they only got to see once or twice a year – is that enough time to form a bond? I questioned whether they would ever feel at home in my culture, if they would adopt any of its traditions?

As my children got older and had more of a say and were making their own choices, I thought maybe they would lose interest in their heritage on my side. I thought maybe the trips back home would become a chore to them and not something they enjoyed, let alone something they wanted to set aside time for.

I am sitting at an airport as I write this, with my youngest and my oldest, one already an adult and the other well on her way. Both of them excited to go visit family. All I can think is, I shouldn’t have worried so much. They are firmly rooted in both cultures; they speak the languages and love celebrating all the traditional holidays. They have a close bond with family on both continents.

Furthermore, they are capable of a deeper understanding of different cultures. They know that just because your cultural heritage is different, that doesn’t mean you aren’t also similar in many ways. They have navigated culture clashes. They know that you can combine traditions and ways of life without losing their meaning and importance. They have done it all their lives and whatever lessons they have learned along the way, have had an impact on their tolerance and open-mindedness, I firmly believe that.

We are about to board our flight and as I watch my daughters calmly wait their turn, I have this last reflection — after having been hauled across the planet since infancy, they are awesome travelers!

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

Danielle Kim – a South Korean in the US, moving back home again

Danielle Kim has lived most of her adult life in the US. She has good friends here and her children were born here. She has a house and she likes her kids’ schools. Yet she is now in the process of planning her family’s move back to South Korea. Danielle grew up in Seoul and arrived here in 1992 as a high school student and except for three years of grad school, she has lived in the US ever since. She came by herself and stayed with her Aunt’s family in Pittsburgh.

As Danielle explains it, she decided on high school in the US because she didn’t get into the art school she wanted to attend in South Korea. Most of what she knew about living in America she had learned from TV shows such as Beverly Hills 90210. Her impression was that everyone was cool and interesting and being here was like a dream come true. She was really excited and her friends were jealous.

Life in the US wasn’t exactly like the TV shows however, and it was harder to adjust than she had expected. Danielle missed her family and she felt out of place, not really knowing how to act to fit in. The biggest hurdle was the language. “You can’t be the person you want to be when you can’t tell cool jokes, or express yourself like other people do. You become more of a listener and not a talker” she says, thinking back on those high school years.

Danielle was involved in many traditionally American activities at school. She played lacrosse and was part of the yearbook committee. She had a couple of close American friends, though she felt more at ease with her Korean friends whom she had met at church. It was just easier to be with them: she could express herself without language restrictions, she felt like she could be herself.

It was when she was back in South Korea for grad school that Danielle met her husband Don, and when he got relocated to work in the US, they decided to move back (he had been in the US for part of his schooling as well) and they have been in the Seattle area ever since.

The South Korean community in the US is very church-oriented, so when they first arrived they joined the biggest Korean church in the area and that is how they made their friends. To this day, most of their friends are Korean or Korean-American and she says part of the reason is that they are more comfortable speaking Korean. Once their two children started school, Danielle made friends with American moms as well and she says “these days I hang out with whomever I feel a connection with. Ultimately, it depends on how open-minded you are and how much you want to integrate with American life”.

When Danielle and Don arrived in the US, they came as expats via her husband’s company. They eventually got Green Cards and then, about 12 years on, they became US citizens. Reflecting on her move back to Seoul, Danielle muses: “we are now Americans who are moving to South Korea. I think that makes us US expats”.

The idea to move home came about after Danielle’s younger sister had come to live in the US for a year. She explains: “We got to spend some time together during this year and it struck me that I really didn’t know her well. I wasn’t sure if she was the same little sis from ten years ago. I just started feeling like I didn’t want to miss out any more. Also, my parents are getting older, there are cousins for my children to get to know – I miss my family”.

The decision to repatriate has not been an easy one and Danielle is aware that there will be a period of adjustment when returning. There are many things she worries about, in particular the educational system, which she explains is all about surviving loads of homework and not receiving a lot of nurturing. She says: “we had to consider the cultural, educational and financial aspects when deciding where we wanted to end up living. For us it was the desire to be with family that drove the decision”.

When asked about what she’ll miss the most about the US she says “I will miss how there is respect and decency when it comes to how you view others and how there are manners between people. For example, in South Korea, if you hold the door open for someone, you will end up holding that door for a long time. No one would think to release you. Also, people are better behaved in traffic, laws are followed and basic rights are respected to a larger degree here. And air-quality, I am not looking forward to the air quality in Seoul. What I will not miss is the gun culture here or the silence at night”.

Danielle started actively planning the move in January with applications for schools and house hunting. She is hoping they will be in place before the school year starts in South Korea. They decided on an international school for the kids, as they don’t speak Korean, though she hopes they will pick it up quickly. Based on recommendations by the teachers at school, they waited with telling the kids about the move until about a month ago. They didn’t want them to be distracted or lose their motivation. The kids were sad at first but the thought of being close to cousins and grandparents is starting to grow on them.

Danielle is excited and a little scared. She recognizes that there will be culture shock. At this point in her life she feels not 100% Korean and not 100% American. She says “it’s like being half human and half expat, and that feeling applies to all my relationships, whether in the US or South Korea”.

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

A mentor can make all the difference

Whenever I speak to fellow internationally relocated people about their first few years abroad and how they went about building a social life, I am struck by how almost all have stories about this one person who was the “initial difference maker”. These are the people who get you comfortable and confident enough so that eventually you strike out on your own. They are the ones that “show you the ropes”. In a professional setting this is a mentor, and I think that word describes the role this type of person plays in our private social life as well.

What I have learned is that this mentor can be most anyone. Sometimes it’s a person who was in your shoes not too long ago and who knows what you are going through, other times it’s a neighbor, or an acquaintance you met at your kids’ school. Having someone who can help deciphering your new world is important — in your professional life and your personal life. One can argue that it’s extra important when you are away from home because you don’t have your normal support network to rely on.

Getting settled socially is an oft-discussed topic within the globally mobile community. Most people — employees, employers, accompanying partners — recognize that it’s an important piece for overall relocation success. Yet, finding a social network and acquiring the relevant societal learning that is needed, can be difficult.

I was thinking about my own experience and the person who helped me during my initial transition period as a new arrival. I don’t know that she is aware of how much of a rock she was when I first arrived. I met her in one of my classes at junior college and I am pretty sure the reason we started talking was because we were the only ones over age 24 among a bunch of 18-year olds, and we both needed a partner for an assignment.

It turned out that she lived in the same city as I did. She was a second-generation immigrant which meant she had a native’s knowledge of how things worked but she had also seen some of her parents’ struggles in adapting to a new country — maybe that’s why she took me under her wing? Or maybe she just needed a partner for a project and didn’t know what she was getting herself into! Regardless, I am grateful we wound up working together because she proved to be very important to my cultural and social learning during my first year abroad.

I had a workplace mentor as well and she was equally invaluable in helping me adjust. There were many things I simply didn’t understand about my new work environment — how meetings were conducted, how people communicated and how the office hierarchy worked. Having someone I could consult, and who could gently set me straight when I was a little off, was great. I think she realized that it was in her own best interest that I got “squared away” quickly, as we were in the same group — what I did, and how I behaved, greatly affected her. I don’t know that I appreciated at the time how important it was to have her in my corner, but looking back, I can see that I would have had a completely different experience had she not been there. I was pretty lucky!

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

Returning home for the summer – managing expectations

Managing the excitement and the expectations of a summer visit home can be tricky – it’s not only your own expectations you have to consider, but those of your friends and family back home as well. Time, or the lack thereof, is probably the biggest problem for expats returning home on vacation. It’s not uncommon to feel like your precious few weeks of time off becomes a marathon, where you are trying to fit in as many people/places as possible, all the while living out of a suitcase and sleeping on mattresses. The vacation part tends to be forgotten soon after arrival.

Yet, most of us make the trek anyway. Personally, I couldn’t imagine not going home. I always wanted my children to grow up knowing my country and family, and that outweighed the hassles and discomforts of travel every time. It wasn’t always easy, but it was always worth it!

Visiting home after living abroad for a period of time, it can be harder than it used to be to connect with friends and family. Over time, common points of reference become fewer and fewer. We all change and it’s not so strange to think that when our daily lives are informed by different cultures, how we relate to each other changes as well. As with most relationships, keeping an open and honest communication going is the only way to really counter the feelings of being out of sync, or not quite understanding where the other person is coming from.

Perhaps this particular dynamic is most notable when it comes to parenting. What is a common parenting practice in one country, may not be so in another. Being home on summer vacation, these differences sometimes cause friction. My children grew up in a fairly structured and organized society where parents plan playdates, kids are chaperoned most of the time, activities are plentiful and the concept of free time isn’t really a big one. My home country is different; children have more freedom and are more self-sufficient. I think it’s safe to say that we suffered our fair share of culture clashes on our visits home. It makes me happy to think however, that my kids have become hybrids of both cultures, even though the road there was bumpy at times.

I have learned a few things during all these years of traveling back and forth. Perhaps the biggest lesson is the simplest one: you can’t make everyone happy, so don’t sweat it. Once I realized that, I could simplify and start “planning according to need and wish”.

For example, I used to think that I had to be back in time for midsummer every year. It’s a big celebration in Sweden and I just couldn’t imagine missing it. But, it’s not an ideal time to go, for several reasons. For one, it’s early in the summer and the weather is likely to be cold and rainy (an important factor when your destination is Sweden). For two, I started realizing that coming home for a “high-expectations holiday” was not a great idea. It was mostly overwhelming and we actually didn’t have that much fun – it seemed to be more family drama than family celebration. Once I made the decision not to make Midsummer a must, our summer vacations changed for the better.

“Planning according to need and wish” – this may sound a bit vague, but really, all it means is that you take your own wishes into account and weigh them against whatever other needs you feel you have to fulfill and then try to make a balanced summer out of it. This gets easier as time goes on. You learn something new each year and eventually you find a system that works, at least for the most part!

By: Felicia Shermis

/0 Comments/by

To Work or Not to Work …

In my home culture I am a professional with qualifications at the Master’s Degree level. I command a high salary and have the flexibility and autonomy to choose my hours and working conditions. I have operated my own business (a private Clinical Psychology practice) for the past four years. I am what most people would consider “successful.”

In my new culture I am unemployed. My qualifications do not translate directly to the USA leaving me unable to work in my chosen field. Whilst I could go through a process of accreditation the cost and time involved in doing so may not be worthwhile if we return to Australia. Ah … what to do?

This is an issue faced by many ‘trailing spouses’ – wives and sometimes husbands who have left their own career at home to support their partners’ opportunity in a different country. Once the settling in period has passed the question for the trailing spouse becomes “What do I do now?”

For me the reality hit two fold about three months after our arrival here. Firstly the cost of living in the Bay Area and some unexpected expenses at home meant some extra income would have been extremely helpful. Secondly, although I love being a Mum and never considered myself a person who ‘needed’ to work to be happy I found that once the option to work was taken away I didn’t really like the feeling that was left behind. I found myself feeling frustrated and somewhat worthless as I was unable to ‘contribute’ to the household. My frustration only increased when I perused some job websites here to see whether there was some part time work I could do. The options available to me, without undergoing the accreditation to utilise my qualifications, were low paying and used none of the skills or knowledge I have worked so hard to develop.

At this stage my job search is on hold until our youngest daughter commences school at which point my hours of availability will increase and I will not need to take childcare expenses out of what may be a fairly small income.

In the meantime I am trying to remember that, regardless of income, I am still contributing to my household. I am assisting the children to settle into their new environment whilst also maintaining the connections to their friends and family back home. I am supporting my husband to commit fully to his work which is demanding both mentally and time-wise. I am learning American history so I can help the children with their studies and teaching them Australian history so they know where they come from. I am volunteering at the school and making the most of the extra time I have to spend with my family and new American friends. And finally, I am managing the budget so my lack of an income makes less of an impact!

/0 Comments/by

This feels foreign to me: a talk with Lisa La Valle-Finan

As Globiana’s Cross Cultural Adaptation Lead and as a former expat herself, Lisa La Valle-Finan has a wealth of knowledge and personal experience on the topic of culture shock. Here, she explains what it is and how it feels, and she shares some of her own personal insights about what it was like to cope as an American expat in Greece, the UK and Spain.

One of the biggest challenges she experienced as a result of culture shock was not being able to express herself fully because of the Greek language barrier. She says: “The combined barrier of not being able to express myself, along with the unfamiliar surroundings, made me feel like a child again. At times, I felt exhausted because I had to parse my words and explain so much.”

Language is a known trigger of culture shock. Having to express yourself and understand your surroundings in a language you don’t have full command of can make you feel disoriented, frustrated, and bottled up. Lisa figured out pretty quickly that it was important to find support in her own language, to share her thoughts and feelings with someone who shared the same cultural references. She also realized that learning the local language would be key to truly adapting to her new environment.

In Lisa’s experience, learning a foreign language and feeling at home in a new culture go hand in hand. Taking a language class is a good start, but the best way to learn is to listen, absorb, and speak. She suggests: “The sooner you let go and learn it, the sooner you will adjust. The foreign will feel more familiar, that much faster.” Of course, as an adult, this is easier said than done. There are many inhibitions to overcome and for a trailing spouse for example, there may not be that many natural opportunities.

In general, the transition tends to be easier for younger children who naturally immerse at school and for the employed spouse, where the workplace offers opportunities to practice and immerse. For teenagers, the process can be trickier. Teenagers have a strong need to fit in and when you don’t speak the language, then that’s a flag that you’re not from around here! In Lisa’s coaching experience, teenagers do adjust quickly once they get over the initial language barrier. The transition is often the hardest on the trailing spouse.

It is a natural instinct to call on family and friends when we’re feeling blue or lonesome. However, it can be difficult to talk about how and why you’re struggling. You’re supposed to be on this big adventure, having the time of your life so there’s a little bit of reluctance to be honest and open. Lisa says: “Let’s face it, living abroad is complicated, exhilarating, and exhausting all at the same time and your ‘expat problems’ may not be met with true understanding by your loved ones. In fact, they probably won’t get it, at all.”

When Lisa was living as an expat, she wrote a lot of letters to communicate with friends and family. These letters turned out to be a kind of ‘field notes therapy’. They evolved into a valuable tool she relied on to express her thoughts and feelings. It may sound ‘old-timey’, but when you think about it, it’s really just a precursor to the blog and it’s an effective tool that coaches recommend. Globiana coaches have given you a space to “journal” in most of their courses for this exact reason. Try it!

Culture shock is definitely going to happen and anticipating it will increase your ability to cope and adapt. One more thing to be aware of, culture shock doesn’t really happen as abruptly as the term implies. In fact, it’s more of a process with different stages that starts before you leave home, and lasts until well after the return. It is impossible to prepare fully for expatriation. To some degree, it will always be a leap of faith. Lisa says: “It’s good to be aware that change is hard, that moving to a new country is hard. But, if you can let yourself ‘experience the experience’ and feel ok with not being in control, that may be how you will achieve the most satisfying personal growth. The most joyous experience may be the one you least expect.”

Learn more about Lisa La Valle-Finan’s culture course here.

/0 Comments/by

Are you in Culture Shock?

I didn’t know it at the time, but thinking back, it is clear as day – when I first moved here I had a serious case of culture shock! As a newly arrived expat, I often struggled to parse the cultural cues and make sense of day-to-day life in an environment where I had yet to figure out the context for much of what was going on. Sometimes I think I still experience it, some 20 years later. Coming to live in a foreign country, regardless of how prepared you are, is bound to produce moments, or periods of feeling like you don’t fit in, or that you are not able to read your surroundings. The good news is that the mysteries of your new culture will eventually become second nature. Not everything will feel natural, or even make sense to you, but you will develop the context in which to read the cues.

So, what is culture shock? To know culture shock you need to understand what culture is and how it binds people and communities together. Simply stated culture is the common traits a community shares; it can be as simple as how you shake hands and say hello, to more complicated matters of what kinds of things you find funny. As Globiana’s culture coach Lisa La Valle-Finan says in her course: “Anyone who has relocated internationally will tell you, the problem with culture is not the stuff you can see, like food, music or language… it’s the imperceptible stuff like body language, ideas about time, attitude towards authority and decision-making that are usually to blame”.

If I had been aware of culture shock as a phenomenon, I would have been able to consciously consider my situation and perhaps allowed myself the time it takes to adjust. I would have known that “whatever it is I am feeling, it’s normal”. As it was I recognized feelings of frustration and alienation, but I didn’t really know why or what to do about them. It would have been a great comfort to know that there is a typical pattern of cultural adjustment with four distinct phases: honeymoon, crisis, recovery and adjustment.

The honeymoon phase is what it sounds like, a period where you experience feelings of excitement and optimism. The crisis phase is typically described as the “culture shock-period” where you have feelings of anxiety, confusion and disorientation. The recovery and adjustment phases are different for everyone. How quickly you recover and adjust depends on individual skills and circumstances. Typically, it is gradual as you start developing an understanding of your environment and its people.

There is no way to completely avoid culture shock. However, by knowing about its symptoms and by being aware of some of the effects, you may be able to proactively work to lessen its impact. On the UC Berkeley International Office’s website the list of possible symptoms includes:

  • changes in eating habits and sleeping habits
  • acute homesickness; calling home much more often than usual
  • being hostile/complaining all the time about the host country/culture
  • irritability, sadness, depression
  • frequent frustration; being easily angered
  • self doubts; sense of failure
  • recurrent illness
  • withdrawing from friends or other people and/or activities

In regards to my own current case of culture shock – or maybe culture confusion is a better description – it has everything to do with graduation preparations for my high school senior. I have realized that I feel so overwhelmed because I have no context for what is going on. I come from a place where we celebrate high school grads with a ceremony and a speech or two. There is a reception and certainly, the graduate will go to a party. However, it doesn’t come close to what is going on here: the sheer number of emails over the last couple of months have me exhausted. There are daily communications regarding everything from pictures to prom to yearbooks and speeches, graduation rings and gowns, and flowers and money (and more money) and the list goes on and on… I feel completely ill prepared! I think I’ll let my American-raised husband be the point man for this one.

By: Felicia Shermis

Sources:
http://internationaloffice.berkeley.edu/cultural_adjustment
http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/culture-shock.html#
http://myglobiana.wpengine.com/culture-course/

/0 Comments/by