Winter break – short, sweet and appreciated!

There is something particularly sweet about winter break and I am usually a bit down the days before school is about to start again. It always comes as somewhat of a shock that it’s almost over – how can it be, already? I am convinced there must be another week off, that the calendar has it wrong. But, double-checking the dates does not help, school is starting again and that is that. 

Maybe it’s precisely because it’s short that I find it so sweet: there is no time for the kids to really get on each other’s nerves and everyone is just happy to get a breather from the alarm clock in the morning, the daily lunchboxes and the hectic commute. Unlike during summer break, there are no camps to shuttle kids to, and activities in general seem to be on a hiatus.

And it’s not just that we don’t have to rush out in the morning, or that we are not spending afternoons stuck in traffic. It seems that no one else is either – there is a calm around town; people are walking a little slower, taking the time to say hello and extending wishes for a happy new year!

Other parts of life slow down as well this time of year, for example, my daily email count is way down. It’s oh so nice not to have to click through email after email deciding what needs attention and what does not. The kids get the opportunity to completely put school out of mind for a few days, without the need to check grades online, or compare notes with friends about who got what on which assignment. My wish that they would take a break from social media is perhaps a bit too ambitious. But still, I think they get an occasional glimpse of how sweet it is when distractions are fewer, and time slows down just a little. 

The other night after dinner we all lingered around the table, well into the evening, just chatting. No one had to leave in a rush to finish homework or head to practice. Everyone’s phone was put away. It’s amazing where conversations can take you when you have the time to listen and ask questions. I find winter break so great because, for a couple of weeks, the days are a little less fragmented and that lends itself to peace of mind and a possibility of discovery. I wonder if we don’t have too little of that in our daily lives?

I have decided to try to enjoy these last couple of days before it all revs up again. I tell myself there is no reason to worry too much about school and activities. In my experience, once everything is in session the sheer momentum of “what needs to get done” propels us forward.

As this is the time of year when wishes and resolutions are still fresh in our minds, I’ll be bold and make just one more wish — for the “holiday calm” to last a few more days; now that would be a great way to ease in to this new year!

By: Felicia Shermis

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There is a frenzy in the air …

There is a familiar year-end frenzy in the air when December rolls around. It’s like flipping a switch to go into overdrive: traffic picks up (as if it wasn’t bad enough already), parking is even scarcer than usual and stores are packed. Work intensifies in an effort to tie up loose ends, and at home the whole neighborhood is lit up with blinking lights, waving Santas and colorful candy canes. I’m not complaining, I like this season. However, I find it difficult not to get swept up by the hustle and bustle of what’s going on around me. It’s hard to keep up, and even harder to slow down.

I’ve never been one for making new-year’s resolutions but I think I’m going to give it a go this year. Not a resolution so much as a reminder to take the season in stride, to not let the outside stress overshadow the things I like. This reminder will include that which inspires and is fun — the discoveries and connections that can be made. Because, as I find every year, this is actually a great time to learn a few things about your community and the people around you.

The dreaded holiday party is one of these surprising places where you can make lovely discoveries. True, office parties are hit or miss, but even here there is at least an opportunity to get to know colleagues a little bit better. However, it’s the more personal holiday gatherings, the ones hosted by friends or acquaintances, that truly pique my interest. They offer a glimpse into family heritage and tradition, through foods and decorations, songs and games. How can that not lift one’s spirits?

When living abroad it’s commonplace to seek out that which reminds you of home, particularly around the holidays. When you find it, whether it’s a food item, a traditional event or a favorite decoration, it tends to be especially meaningful. Case in point: I was at a Swedish Lucia celebration yesterday and even though this was a hybrid version of a traditional Swedish Lucia event, it was immensely satisfying. As a Swede, this is one of the highlights of the season and one that is steeped in ritual and tradition. Maybe it was pure nostalgia that made me enjoy it so much, or perhaps it was that I didn’t expect to find an event like this in my town — whatever the reason, it truly made my day!

I may not be one for making resolutions, but it appears I have at least produced something of a reminder list. The year-end is a time for other kinds of lists as well — you know the “best-of” and “top-ten” varieties that you see in newspapers, on social media, at the coffee shop and even at the doctor’s office.

I love diving into these lists for ideas of things to read, see and eat; or to get reacquainted with news stories, the year’s best athletes, biggest music acts, etc, etc. I know these are subjective snapshots, but they can provide a summary of sorts of the year past, or if nothing else, serve as inspiration going forward. With that, I think I have only one more thing to remind myself of: enjoy!

By: Felicia Shermis

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Ten Ways to Beat Holiday Blues Away from Home

“There’s no place like home for the holidays…” So true, but what about those of us whose home is across the ocean and a trip back is just not an option? You see extended families coming together to celebrate, cousins reuniting, old friends visiting, yet your own are far away… It’s hard not to feel left out. Well, when in a new culture you have to “fake it, till you make it!” This includes coming up with a “surrogate” family and circle of friends for the time being. So what can you do to warm your heart and those close to you?

1. Decorate your house

Start where you are! Think of what makes you remember the holiday spirit and feel at home: Christmas trees, candles, crackling fireplace, freshly baked cookies… Make your home festive and warm. Burn aroma candles with cinnamon or apple-pie scent. Put a little reminder of the season in every corner of your house. Play holiday tunes on the radio.

2. Join your kids’ school activities

There are always opportunities to help with school activities during the holiday  season. Classroom parties, choir performances, and holiday boutiques are plentiful.  Lend a hand, bring a tray of cookies, or maybe better yet, make a traditional holiday food from home and share with the class. You will instantly feel like a part of something fun and special and nobody knows holiday spirit better than kids.

3. Go out

Every town, no matter how small, will have holiday traditions that happen every year.  From tree lighting ceremonies to Christmas parades, these events always draw a crowd.  Visit the neighborhoods with lights on display. Check out local parks and malls. Join the crowd! Joy is contagious and easily shared.

4. Volunteer and donate

Your own blues will not matter as much, when you turn your attention to what others are missing. Take a day to volunteer at a soup kitchen, help a friend wrap gifts for a charity, join a community warm clothes drive… There are plenty of volunteer groups to join. Check out our Volunteer Opportunities page for help finding organizations in your area.

5. Throw a party

You will say: “I don’t know anyone here to invite!”  Wrong! Your neighbors would love to meet you, but don’t know how. Open your home for a holiday neighborhood potluck.  It’s easy and inexpensive, and is a sure way to find friends right where you live. Invite your kids’ classmates and parents to bake cookies together. Invite some of your or your husband’s coworkers who are also away from home, for a simple meal.

6. Use technology

Skype, Facetime, Facebook, e-mail… Don’t forget to use any way you can to stay connected to your family back home. Being up to date on each other’s lives will make distances less noticeable. If family members are busy, schedule times when you can connect; that way you have some family time to look forward to.

7. Dress up

Pulling out that “once-a-year” outfit can make you feel more festive on any occasion.  Make it special, pamper yourself! During the holidays there are plenty of opportunities to dress up, so use them well. Remember, when you look nice you cheer up those around you as well.

8. Be social

Any time you are invited to a holiday event, say “yes”. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know most of the people attending, are unsure of how to fit in, or simply feel like staying in (remember, we started with you having the Holiday Blues?). Push yourself a little and you will be glad you did. You never know where your next tribe is waiting for you!

9. Watch holiday movies

There is a great arsenal of holiday themed movies to cozy you up. Make yourself a cup of tea, throw a warm quilt on the couch and dissolve in the beautiful stories of love, sharing and forgiveness on the screen.

And if none of the above works…

10. Keep an open mind

Don’t be hard on yourself and think that this stage will last forever. Any day you do something to make yourself feel better, is a good day. Take your time and do your best and you will find it much easier the next time around.

Happy Holidays!

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Accompanying partner settling well

When talking about success settling abroad as a family, there is no underestimating the importance of the accompanying partner having real opportunities to pursue career, education and other goals. It’s important not just from a long term career perspective but also in order to settle fully and finding an existence that is more than as a support to the working partner and family.

The typical assignment starts out in a flurry with packing and moving and then setting up in the new location. It’s a busy time and the bulk of the work often lands on the accompanying partner; if you move with children the process of getting everyone acclimated can be lengthy. Once the moving dust settles however, it can be hard to figure out what the next step is — what do you do now?

Without a meaningful personal outlet, getting to the point of feeling anchored in your new location may be elusive. We all have different needs, so for some the path includes having a job and pursuing a career, while for others it means going back to school, learning the language, or volunteering. Whatever it is, it’s important to know that it’s a real possibility, and that you have the resources necessary to make it happen, in all ways — support, time and opportunity.

The ability to work will first and foremost be determined by visa status. But even with the ability to work, finding a job isn’t a given. There are many reasons for this: work skills may not translate in the new country, there are language barriers and the process of looking and applying for a job can feel insurmountable.

My first couple of years of job searching were a bit of a nightmare. There were so many aspects that felt like a mystery to me. One of the biggest hurdles was actually my own lack of belief that this was something I could pull off. The whole process felt foreign enough that I doubted I could make it through and land on the other side with a job to my name.

Nevertheless, I did apply for jobs and sometimes I got called to interviews. I tried to read up on best practices for interviewing, but still I failed miserably the first many times. Looking back, I can see that it would have been great to have a professional coach, or a mentor — someone to provide guidance and give input, not just with regards to networking and the job search, but who could provide cultural and lifestyle pointers as well.

When new in a foreign country your are starting from zero. You don’t have a professional or personal network of individuals to contact for input, support, help, or just to vent. At home, we know whom to turn to in different situations. It takes time to build personal and professional networks you can rely on. For me, the key was going back to school — that’s where I built some confidence, that’s where I made a few connections and that’s where I got introduced to professional organizations in my field. As a matter of fact, the connections I made at school is how I eventually got my first job.

Ultimately, each of us has to figure out what we want from an assignment abroad and what it is that makes a successful assignment. What is universal is the need for opportunity and support to make the most of our time abroad.

By: Felicia Shermis

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Holiday musings from the home front

I am back in my home country for a visit and I feel a tad overwhelmed. On the one hand I am overjoyed to be with old friends and family, eating favorite foods and visiting favorite places. On the other hand I feel like I have abandoned my family, whom I left in the middle of this busy pre-holiday period. I’ll only be away for a week, but still – I won’t be home when my daughter gets back from college for Thanksgiving break, and I am missing most of the preparations for the big feast, as I only get back the day before.

I know my angst is based on a combination of guilt and worry – there is guilt for not being around, and worry about how to make sure everyone is happy – both here and there. Actually, I think it’s all guilt, in one way or another…

Expats often feel extra pressure this time of year, wondering how to get it all together. One of the biggest dilemmas for many is whether to go back home or stay in the host country. If you go home, it’s likely to be fun and familiar, but also expensive and exhausting. In addition, you miss the opportunity of building your own traditions in your new place.

I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start framing this whole “going or staying thing” differently – in a positive way. This situation should be viewed as a win-win, one where there are at least two great options (if not more): if you stay, you get to make your own holiday traditions and you get the chance to experience local holiday culture and foods. If you go, there will be familiar faces along with favorite foods to eat and old haunts to visit. There is something appealing to both scenarios! And who says you can’t switch it up completely and go someplace new all together?

Despite my ambivalent feelings about the current trip, I’ve had a great few days so far. As I am writing this I am on babysitting duty for my nephew. He just fell asleep and as I was putting him to bed, I realized I had forgotten how sweet it is to read bedtime stories and have a five-year old put his little hand in yours as he falls asleep. These are the moments to cherish. I know I regularly miss out on exactly these kinds of things because I live on the other side of the planet.

In a few days I’ll go back to the US. It’s far from home, but yet home in so many ways by now. I doubt my kids, who are all approaching adulthood, will let me read them a bedtime story. I know for sure they won’t let me hold their hands as they go to sleep. I’m glad I made the trip – I’ll be equally glad to be back. That’s usually the way it works and that has got to be good enough!

By: Felicia Shermis

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Taxes and Financial Planning for the Expat

Getting a good grip on your financial situation is one of the most important things you can do in preparation for a move abroad. Usually, this means making a budget based on known income and expenses and then building on that by figuring out how much you want to save, what your possible extra costs are, etc. Additionally, it involves figuring out your new tax obligations. In truth, most of what you should prepare for when moving abroad is the same things you should have a plan for at home as well. The difference is that a move abroad typically comes with some unknowns and a steep learning curve in terms of knowing the true cost of living, figuring out the financial language and learning the tax rules.

The best place to start is with the basics. Find out what the general cost of living is in your area by using a cost-of-living calculator. It won’t be perfect but it will give you an idea of what you are dealing with and it will help with getting an overview of what your new financial situation will look like. Once you have a general budget, you can start thinking about your financial goals — savings, retirement, schooling, etc. Keep in mind that living abroad might add some costs that you would otherwise not have, such as extra travel expenses, health insurance or private school tuition, for example.

Once you have your budget down, the big logistical piece for many expats is figuring out taxes — what will your tax obligations be, in your new country, at home? Rules for taxation vary depending on country and it may very well be worth seeing a professional tax advisor before moving so that you know for sure where you stand with your home country. Once you are in place you’ll have to decide if you need to see a local tax expert as well. If you are considering hiring a tax advisor, think about what kind of help you need:

  • Someone to just help file your taxes
  • Someone who can give financial advice in regards to your current situation
  • Someone with strong knowledge of all the tax laws you are required to follow

It is important to find someone with the right credentials and knowledge. Most countries have strict requirements for certifying financial planners and accountants so do your research and make sure whomever you pick is accredited. If you don’t know where to start your search, ask some colleagues or friends for recommendations.

For your own sake, learn some of the basics about the tax laws in your new country such as how and when to file taxes, whether or not you can get extensions and if you can file jointly with your spouse if you are married. What about late tax payments — will you be fined for a late filing or payment, if so how much?

I would also recommend learning some of the “financial language”. This will be useful not just for tax purposes but in general when you are first settling in a foreign country. Having a working understanding of words and expressions will come in handy as there will be plenty of instances where you’ll be asked to provide a specific piece of information or document or to decide on one option versus another. It is always good to know what is actually being asked of you and to recognize what is being presented to you.

It’s overwhelming enough to figure out your new personal financial situation, add to that learning about new tax laws and it can feel downright impossible to get a grip on everything you need to know. That’s why it’s important to do some due diligence and learn the basics before you head out. There are several books on the subject and most countries have official websites for taxation issues. Also, there are countless expat websites and personal blogs for additional points of view and advice.

Books:

  • Working Abroad: The Complete Guide to Overseas Employment by Jonathan Reuvid
  • Expat Entrepreneur: How To Create and Maintain Your Own Portable Career Anywhere In The World by Jo Parfitt and Debbie Jenkins
  • The Global Expatriate’s Guide to Investing: From Millionaire Teacher to Millionaire Expat by Andrew Hallam

Online sources:

By: Felicia Shermis

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All I want for Christmas…

It may seem too early to think about the holidays just yet, but for anyone who’s been to a grocery or department store lately, the signs are all around. There is no ignoring it – Halloween candy, Thanksgiving decorations, and Christmas goodies are all competing for our attention on store shelves right now.

If the idea is that this mishmash of holiday goods is supposed to spur a shopping spree, then it’s not working on me. However, I do find that it’s a powerful, if somewhat stressful, reminder that it’s time to get the family’s holiday plans together.

My stress has mostly to do with logistics as I am trying to figure out how to get the family to be in the same place at the same time for at least part of the holiday season, and how to accomplish that without breaking the bank completely. Traveling during the holidays is not cheap.

The sad part is, I’m not even thinking about extended family or friends yet – I’m just trying to plot out my children’s whereabouts. With two of them attending school on opposite ends of the planet and a third at home wanting nothing more than to join her best friend in Hawaii for the holidays, we have some juggling to do. You’d think Hawaii would be appealing to everyone (problem solved, let’s all meet in Hawaii), but that’s the last place my oldest wants to go to – it is where she goes to school. She really just wants to be home with the dog and the cat – and the rest of us, I think…

My son wants to come home but he doesn’t know yet when he can leave, so we wait and we wait. What he does know is that he won’t be home for Thanksgiving – no time off in his schedule to fly from Europe to California for a few days of Thanksgiving get-togethers.

Holiday planning can be stressful for anyone – whether living abroad or not. However, the added burden of international travel with its expenses and time constraints further complicates the puzzle of making the season a happy one for all involved.

In addition to making sure you have the time and the money, many international families struggle with satisfying the wishes and needs of family back home, while also trying to figure out how to fulfill their own desires. There is no one solution that works for all. Most of us end up with compromises that are perhaps not ideal but at least satisfactory.

I have friends who’ve made the decision to travel someplace new each holiday season and not worry about going home or seeing family. I know others who have decided on a one-year on, one-year off schedule, and others yet who’ve decided to stay in place and build new traditions in their new country. There is no right or wrong, only what works for you.

After over 20 years of living abroad and trying every holiday scenario possible, I still don’t know what the ultimate solution is. I do know that it usually works out somehow in the end and that for the most part we can look back and say: “Well, that was a pretty good one!”

By: Felicia Shermis

Picture credit: cheapsnowgear.com

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The active work of finding your groove

What do you do if your partner or children are having a hard time getting settled in your new location, if they are struggling to the point of not wanting to stay? It’s a common enough problem. As a matter of fact, the inability of loved ones to adjust to the destination country is one of the top reasons for a failed assignment. But why is this the case, and what can you do to proactively work toward a different outcome? There is no “one way” to do it, but in almost all cases curiosity, deliberate work, and support, are basic ingredients.

Language barriers and cultural differences are two of the main obstacles to feeling settled and immersed in a new community. Learning the language is an obvious place to start, but it takes dedication and a willingness to put in the effort. However, the rewards of knowing your local language, even if it’s just a little bit, are substantial. Author John le Carré says it best in this recent article from The Guardian: “The decision to learn a foreign language is to me an act of friendship. It is indeed a holding out of the hand. It’s not just a route to negotiation. It’s also to get to know you better, to draw closer to you and your culture, your social manners and your way of thinking.”

Cross-cultural training as a concept is a bit vague and undefined. It can be difficult to know how to “work on” your cultural adaptation. Most of us figure that if we only give it time, things will naturally fall into place. To some degree that’s true – over time you will get to know your community and the culture, at least a little bit. The problem is that when you don’t actively set out to learn about your surroundings, or try to understand why people are the way they are, you will never get deeper than a scratch to the surface.

Many companies offer practical support to expat employees and their families, some also offer cross-cultural training. It’s common for assignees to leverage the practical help, such as assistance with finding a place to live and to fill out applications. But the more intangible, like cross-cultural adaptation training is often met with skepticism, as many can’t see what it can do for them.

Cultural adaptation means different things to different people. It can mean learning how to build a social network, or figuring out parenting practices in your new country. For an accompanying partner it may mean getting help with career decisions, setting goals and making networking plans. For a working partner it may be focused on work culture and social norms in the workplace.

I interviewed an acquaintance of mine recently (read full interview here). She relocated with her family seven years ago when her husband’s company offered him a position in their Silicon Valley office. There were two things in particular she talked about that stuck with me. One was that from the very get-go they viewed their relocation as a family project. This was not a move to further her husband’s career. This was for the whole family and the goal was to make it work for everyone. They were actively engaged. They took advantage of the company’s support services such as tutoring. In their case, they used the tutoring hours to get a head start on language learning and to make sure their kids were caught up on math, which they knew was going to be a challenge once school started.

The other thing they did was to seek out people with experience of international relocation. Talking to those who have gone before is an excellent way to get insights to your new country and to your new life. Because of course, you are not only getting used to life in a new country, you are also getting used to life away from your old surroundings. You are getting used to life without regular support networks of friends and family, without favorite comfort foods, places to go and activities to engage in. In a way it’s a double whammy – setting up the new while not being able to lean on the old.

By: Felicia Shermis

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Moving day — the end of planning, preparing and packing, or so you thought…

Last time I moved was an across-town affair about six months ago and it really shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. After all, it was just across town. But, because this was a downsizing move after having sent two of our three kids to college, there was a lot to sort through and many decisions to make on what to keep, what to store and what to donate. We had lived in this house for almost ten years and, unsurprisingly, we had managed to accumulate “stuff”. It turned out to be a much bigger effort than I had anticipated.

And even though I thought we were in pretty good “moving shape”, in hindsight that was not true at all. One of the reasons was that we didn’t have a hard cut-off date. So, even though we had a moving day where most of the furniture and boxes were taken, it still became a long drawn-out process. It was like a battle on two fronts – dealing with unpacking and settling at the new house, while still taking care of the last of everything at the old place. I think I prefer the pressure of the up-front stress, to the long drawn-out process we ended up having.

One of the reasons moving day is so stressful is that it typically marks the end of a period of planning and packing and trying to figure out logistics. It’s the day when everything has to be ready! In reality however, it doesn’t really stop there, because once you are out you have to hit the ground running setting up your new home. I think this is especially true if you are relocating to a new country. I remember when we first moved to the US and were trying to get our home up and running with basics such as phone service, cable, trash and gas – it was stressful and sometimes very confusing.

First of all, every phone call was a bit of a nightmare as I wasn’t sure I would be able to follow along in what the person on the other end was asking of me. I was new to the specific lingo of whatever industry I was talking to, so names and expressions often didn’t make sense. To top it off, I didn’t have full check on things like zip code, area code and gate code, or whatever other codes and numbers they were asking for. I didn’t even have a social security number the first few months, which was a problem in itself.

Sometimes when I got stressed, I couldn’t remember any of it and just hung up and started over. Sometimes when being asked to pick the level of service that best matched our needs, I just picked the middle option because that’s all I could think to do. In addition to all this I was living in a sea of boxes, trying to locate necessities and comforts alike, without much luck. It was a mess!

I spoke to a friend the other day who has a lot of experience moving, both internationally and locally. She told me about the “moving box” cataloging system she has developed and I was mighty impressed. She has worked out a system for labeling boxes and tracking every item in a spreadsheet. She told me the story of her college-aged son calling her from school to see if she had his back-up glasses as he had misplaced his regular ones. The glasses were buried deep in a box, placed in a stack of boxes. A quick consultation with the spreadsheet and she could easily locate the glasses. She sent them the next day. If only those were my boxes in my garage right now!

I hope my next move is still a ways away. But when that day comes, I vow to be better organized, to stay on top of paperwork, be smarter about time and be more willing to apply the “if you haven’t used within the last year, you can get rid of”-rule. For now, I will focus on the more pleasant aspects of moving, namely the possibility of forging new connections, meeting neighbors and getting to know a new community – even if it’s just across town.

By: Felicia Shermis

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Home

As someone who’s been living far away from home for most of my adult life, I have spent a lot of time thinking about where “home” is and what it is that makes home “home”. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to us at different stages of life and under different life circumstances. The last couple of weeks, the whole concept has been nagging at me even more as I have followed the news on the devastation caused by natural disasters – hurricanes Harvey and Irma, an earthquake in Mexico, wildfires – all causing massive destruction, loss of lives and displacement.

This kind of catastrophic displacement makes you think twice about your own feelings of “displacement” as an expat far away from home. There is no comparing the two in any way. If anything, it becomes a reminder that sometimes home is literally where your heart is, because that’s all you have at that given moment. It’s also a reminder that “home” means something different to all of us.

I saw an interview on TV a few days ago with a woman who opened up her home to some ten people during the recent storms in Texas. What struck me wasn’t the fact that she offered complete strangers a place to stay, but rather what she said about how it has affected her to share her home with people she doesn’t know. She said that the decision to take them in was not a hard one, it seemed the only human thing to do. They had no safe place to stay and she did. In the interview, she is not suggesting it’s been easy. However, as taxing as it has been, it has been just as enriching. She attributed part of that to the fact that they have had shared experiences under extreme circumstances, but also that she got to know people she would not normally meet, they broadened her world in a way she didn’t expect.

An extreme weather event brought these people together and obviously that is not an ideal shared experience. But as grim as the experience has been, the woman in the interview said she could not imagine what it would have been like to go through the storm without them. As expats, shared experiences is an intangible that we can’t rely on when arriving in a new country. We have different cultural backgrounds, different foods, languages and points of reference and there is no immediate fix to bridge all these. It takes a little time.

I have never experienced forced displacement and for that I am grateful. I do have experience with the self-imposed kind, and while I have never feared for my life, I have felt worried about how I am going to make a go of the new situation, will I ever make friends, learn the societal codes? Feel at home?

Moving abroad can be a challenge, but as expats we have the good fortune of time to plan and research, and we can prepare mentally for what is to come. But, while there are many resources, you also have to be willing to put yourself “out there”. You have to be interested in getting to know your neighbors and learn about traditions. What I’ve learned with time is that it is the small and intangible that eventually makes you feel at home – like getting a joke with cultural references that you would not have gotten before, or knowing how to order a bagel like the locals, or a shared experience with others in your community.

How we think about home changes over time and with circumstance; it can be a bit fluid, it can be many places at once and mean different things depending on where you are and with whom. As one of my favorite Swedish authors, Henning Mankell, said: “You can have more than one home. You can carry your roots with you, and decide where they grow.”

By: Felicia Shermis

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Planning for the unexpected

I know, it sounds counterintuitive to plan for the unexpected, but just hear me out – there is a case to be made for doing just that. One of the big questions for anyone relocating to a foreign country is how to handle relationships and practical matters back home. It’s an issue that gets easily lost in the hustle and bustle of pre-departure preparations and hit-the-ground-running mentality upon arrival. However, giving some thought to how you’ll deal with an emergency back home is an exercise worth undertaking. Likewise, pondering how you’ll feel about missing some of the fun stuff, such as birthday parties or holidays, is an equally worthwhile exercise. It all comes down to being well prepared.

The good news is that actually keeping in touch with people is pretty easy and affordable these days, so staying informed should not be a problem. However, anyone living abroad for an extended period of time will eventually be in a situation where a decision has to be made to go home unexpectedly for an emergency, or figure out if there is time and money to attend a family event. When that happens you’re not only up against time, but finances and practical issues such as who-will-pick-up-the-kids-from-school-when-I-am-gone-without-having-had-time-to-make-arrangements, will also come into play.

I’ve been living abroad for over 20 years and I have been mostly lucky. Only once has there been a true emergency, where circumstances were dire enough that all I could do was hop on the first flight out, without thought to money or kids or appointments, and hope for the best on all ends.

I got the call during my daughter’s birthday party, saying my brother had been in a life threatening car accident (I’ll spare you the agony and let you know right here that everything ended well). However, the panic and helplessness I felt were intense. There was nothing I could do. I was a 12-hour plane flight away. Not only could I not get home fast enough, but the travel itself was excruciating as I had no idea what was happening while I was in transition.

You can never prepare emotionally for this kind of phone call and circumstance. It will always be a shock and if you live on the other side of the planet, you’ll likely end up feeling helpless and scared, like I did. However, there are some things you can do to be prepared, such as making sure you have an emergency travel fund and a plan for who takes care of everyday stuff at home while you are gone. Do you have a support network that can help with your kids for example? Who walks the dog? Can you take time off work, if so how much, and what is the procedure?

There are other times when you may have to miss out on the fun stuff – either because of timing or money or both. And while it’s not as traumatic as a medical emergency, it can still sting to have to say no to a family reunion, a holiday celebration, a 50th birthday bash, or a friend’s wedding – all of this I know from experience.

In the early days these kinds of decisions came down to money for us, and more often than not did we not have the extra cash to spare on a trip. Later on it was time and timing, and being pregnant or having a newborn, or school or work or …, well, you get the picture – it’s hard to get away when life is in full motion. What you can do: make plans for that which you can control, give some thought to that which you can’t.

By: Felicia Shermis

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Building a social life as a new arrival

Building new friendships as an adult can be difficult, and being a new arrival in a foreign country only adds to the difficulty. Ironically, this is also the time when you have a real need to meet people and make new friends. As a new arrival, you have left your support network of friends and family behind. Establishing friendships in your local area becomes crucial in order to have a successful stay in your new environment.

Couples with kids often find that they have a natural way of getting to know people as they meet other parents and bond around their kids’ friendships. Also, arriving as a couple, you have each other to rely on. But for a single person without kids, there aren’t many natural ways of meeting people, except for perhaps at work. So what do you do if you are single and newly arrived in a foreign country? How do you strike out on your own without a support network to help you?

There are three conditions, identified by sociologists in the 1950’s, that are considered crucial to making close friends:

  • Proximity – you need to be near each other.
  • Unplanned reactions – chance that you run into each other by accident.
  • Privacy – you’re in situations where you can confide in one another.

There are few situations where all three of these are present at the same time. So, according to sociologists, if you want to build an environment conducive to making friends, you will have to be deliberate.

The good news these days is that there are many avenues for meeting people. The Internet makes it easy to find out if there are groups from your native country in the area, for example. There are a number of dating apps for those looking for a partner, and online sites such as Meetup.com are great if you want to meet locals who share your interests — be it hiking, playing scrabble or wine tasting.

Thinking back on my own single-and-looking-to-meet-new-people days, in the dark ages before Internet life, I can only conclude that there are so many ways to connect with people today that perhaps the biggest problem is figuring out which ‘way to go’ and then building up the courage to do it.

However, for many new arrivals there are barriers other than the question of ‘where do I go?’ to overcome. There are language issues, cultural traditions and social cues to learn about. These can be major hurdles, as can the fact that many view their overseas assignment as temporary and thus feel there is no point in putting the effort into making new friends. Also, as a newcomer it’s easy to get so immersed in work that you feel you don’t have the time or energy to engage with people outside of the office.

As someone who has always been shy in new social settings and a little hesitant to just ‘dive in’ I can appreciate how hard it is to meet and get to know new people. I can’t remember any instances however, where I have regretted venturing out — be it to go to a party, to join a tennis team or take a class. Sure, I have gone to parties and I have felt awkward and not had all that much fun. And yes, I have taken classes that have been so-so and dropped them after a few weeks. Most of the time though, something good has come out of these ventures. So, if my experience tells me anything, it is that you have nothing to lose by trying!

By: Felicia Shermis

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