I have been thinking all week about the expectations on American teenagers. I thought it would be fairly easy for me to figure this out. After all, I have two teenagers currently living at home and a third child who just left her teenage years behind. All three have grown up in the US, they have gone to school here, played sports and made friends here. But the more I thought about the “American teenager” the less I knew what to write. And, indeed, when I asked my kids what it is like to be an American teenager, they all had different stories to tell. So, in order to round out the picture and get some objective input, I did some Internet research.

One of the first things to pop up through my Internet searches is the abundance of studies concerning teenagers’ social media habits and digital activities. I was not surprised to learn that the median age to get your first cell phone is around eleven, or that the median number of Facebook friends for teenagers is 300. Social media plays a big role in a teenager’s life and serves as a major facilitator in communication. I have seen this first-hand with my own kids: their phones are never far away and communication with friends regularly takes place via Snapchat or Instagram or other new apps that I don’t even know exist.

According to the Pew Research Center, US adults feel that the most valuable skills needed for teenagers to succeed in life are “communication skills”, followed by reading, math, teamwork, writing and logic. Science landed somewhere in the middle on this scale while skills such as art, music and athletics ranked at the bottom. Another study showed that while American students have improved in math and science over the past 20 years, they still lag behind students in many other industrialized nations. The Pew Research Center also found that America’s students as a whole are more racially diverse than ever before and that Millennials are on track to be the most educated generation in history.

My own kids all pointed out to me that maybe they aren’t good “typical American teenagers” as they have grown up in Silicon Valley, which they view as exceedingly high achieving and different from many other parts of the US. They have all felt academic pressures, not necessarily from parents but from society as a whole. In particular, they have experienced the college application process as stressful. There is a need to be unique, exceptional and well-rounded at an early age, yet everyone ends up taking the same AP classes, performing similar volunteer work and partaking in various extracurricular activities. In the end, no one stands out but all are perceived as exceptional. It is a given that you apply to go to college, and most students apply to many schools. My son, who is a senior, doesn’t know anyone who didn’t apply to college this year.

I was happy when my son told me that high school in general is a more forgiving and free environment compared to middle school, especially in relation to peer pressure and the need to be liked. Fitting in is not as important any more and you are judged more on what you do as opposed to what you wear or what gadgets you have. My daughter who is in middle school confirms that notion pretty much every day as she goes through her morning routine to get ready for school; she has to look just right.

My two older kids both agreed that prom is a beast all its own and that it holds an almost magical power over high school kids. If you are asking someone to prom you have to figure out a cute, creative way of doing so – simply asking is not enough. If you are hoping to be asked, you hold your breath and wish for that most elaborate of invitation schemes to be directed at you. If social pressures in general are less in high school, they all seem to be highly present in the preparations for, and execution of, prom night. Who will wear the cutest dress and the highest heels; who will get to dance with the star quarterback?

It may be that there is no such thing as a typical “American teenager”. It seems to me that the trends and the struggles of teenagers here are similar to those in other countries and cultures. Sure, each place has its own peculiarities, demands and social structures but overall tendencies appear universal. In the end, I think what matters to teenagers here is what matters to teenagers elsewhere: having good friends, being appreciated for who they are and building an identity that is their own.

<em><a href=”http://www.pewresearch.org/topics/teens-and-youth/pages/5/” target=”_blank”>The Pew Research Center</a></em>

Two of my biggest hurdles in regards to raising teenagers in the US have to do with the liberal views on drugs such as marijuana and the, what I would call, confused view on sex education. I know, most parents regardless of geographic location, probably worry about both these issues at some point in the course of bringing up children so why would it be a particularly big issue for me? The answer, to some degree, has to do with cultural references and differences. Where I grew up marijuana is typically thought of as a gateway drug for troubled people who will undoubtedly go on to harder stuff; it is not a party drug for the masses. As for sex education, the  prevailing view in my home country is that knowledge is good, not bad.

Now, I have many other childrearing worries as well, some big and some small; some have to do with cultural barriers while others are more universal – raising teens is after all a task full of challenges and there is a constant battle of where to draw the line and how much freedom to allow. So yes, I worry about the prevalence of guns in this culture, and about a sixteen-year old getting a driver’s license – way too young in my book, though awfully convenient once they have it. I wonder why schoolchildren don’t get to take showers after PE and how to make them eat their vegetables. And what about screen time, how do I limit that? The list of worries can seem endless at times.

But, back to marijuana – I find it very hard to accept that this is a drug that is so prevalent in my son’s high school that everyone knows who sells it and to which bathroom stall to go to use it. I still get surprised (and concerned) every time my 13-year old identifies the skunky smell of marijuana. I realize that my fears of marijuana are not necessarily rational. After all, my friends and I used to get drunk on illegally obtained alcohol when I was my son’s age. It is just that when it comes to alcohol, I have a reference point; I know how to relate to it. I know what it does to you, and I feel I can talk to my teens about it with conviction. My husband who grew up in southern California has a completely different vantage point.

When it comes to sex education I am just plain confused about the general approach in the US. The discussion here still has to do with whether or not it is good to provide sex education and access to contraceptives. Some parts of the country are more liberal than others but the debate is still heard all over the US and my perception is that these issues are always hanging in the balance. Having grown up in Sweden, I find it curious that these are topics still being questioned. To me this should be about how we can best educate and empower our youth, not whether it should be addressed at all.

You are bound to run into cultural differences while living in a new country and some issues will be easier to overcome than others. You may even find that what you learn in the process is of great value to you, and that the prevailing cultural tendency is one you agree with. The difficulty when raising teenagers is that you want to be able to guide them with some conviction and knowledge. When you are in a foreign culture the societal rules are different and you may no longer be able to lean on what would otherwise be a given set of rules.

After some 20 years in the US, I think I have a pretty good grasp of the general cultural tendencies. Still, when it comes to raising my kids, I run into trouble with some basic differences. I have decided that the best mindset is “the more influences the better”. In the end, my kids will have grown up with multiple cultural points of view and that can only be an advantage, right?

Complication, complication, complication – I think those are the three words that best describe summer planning as an expat with kids! I am kidding of course, but there is a grain of truth here. As an expat you are often trying to piece together a summer where you are juggling the desire to go home with wanting to explore your new community and country; add to that obligations of work and school. As kids grow older, the equation becomes more complicated as they start voicing their own preferences. Maybe there is summer school to consider or a summer job or internship on the horizon. Maybe the thought of spending weeks and weeks away from friends is too much to bear for your child.

Looking back at 15 years worth of planning summer camps, summer trips and general activities for my kids, as well as the whole family, the first thing that comes to mind is START EARLY, especially if you are thinking of summer camps. Sign-ups can start as early as January and popular ones fill up quickly. I learned this lesson when I failed to register my then 6-year old daughter for the camp she had her sights set. New as I was to this, I had simply not known that you had to physically line-up at our city’s recreational center bright and early the morning registration opened with paperwork and payment in hand, and that spots filled up quickly. These days, most summer camp registration is done online, so you probably won’t need to line up in person any more. However, being early is still crucial to get your child into the popular camps.

With three kids in the family I think we have tried most any type of camp available: sports and science camps, arts and theatre and dance; half day, full day and over-night. Some have been very good and others less so. Some, my kids have really enjoyed while others have been so-so. A couple of camps have been downright awful. I would venture that your child’s preference is worth considering, as sending a kid to a camp he or she is not interested in often ends up being a waste of money and a cause of tears and general misery. I have leaned that lesson as well…

It is no secret that many camps are expensive so it is well worth doing some basic research before putting down the big bucks. How is the camp run? Is the staff trained, and do they know first aid and CPR? What is the child to staff ratio? What does a day look like? Ask your friends for recommendations and opinions and call or e-mail the camp organizer with specific questions.

Some camps offer such a wonderful experience that your child will want to go back year after year. The camp counselors, who are often high school kids and college students, become heroes with boundless energy and willingness to engage; they are the ones who make it all seem magical and fun. My son became a camp counselor himself at one of his favorite camps after having been a camper for as long as he could. It was a stated goal after his first summer as camper that one day he would be a counselor there!

These days I spend more time trying to piece together a summer where hopefully we will all be at the same place at the same time for a week or two. With kids in college, high school and middle school, summers are more complicated than they used to be. I am juggling school trips with volleyball camps and internships with summer jobs, I am looking into service trips and desires for beach vacations along with going back home and seeing family. Also on my mind, who the heck is going to take care of the dog? I might have to send him to camp…

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With one child in college and another who just finished the last of his college applications, I feel like college preparations and applications have been at the forefront of our dinner discussions for years now. And still, in spite of having two children who have gone through this process, it blows my mind that applying to go to college in the US is as involved and time consuming as it is. I am stunned that the process goes on for as long as it does — sometimes years if you count college trips and test preparations. I am plain shocked at the cost.

When you have a senior in high school it feels like the world stops its normal go-around and starts spinning in its own “college-application-way”. Your friends become obsessed, your kid is stressed out, and as a parent you feel like a walking credit card. Applying to college is an all-consuming thing; at least it feels that way sometimes. At a Christmas party this year, where most of the guests had a senior in high school (we had all met through school and our boys were all friends), there was one and only one conversation going on – how are your applications coming along, are you done, what is your strategy, what is your back-up school? It was a little surreal listening to the same conversation regardless of the grouping of people. It was also a little curious that these were parents chatting and not their college-bound kids.

I will admit I felt a little out of the loop at this party. Not because my son has not applied to college but because I have not been involved all that much. I took our school’s college counselor at her word when she said: “your child should be the one driving the college application process. Your child needs to keep track of deadlines and paperwork. If your child is not mature and responsible enough to do that, then he is not mature enough to go to college.” It made sense to me and I think it made sense to my son too. Of course we have helped our son when he has needed or wanted help, but we have not been in charge. I have not told my son what to write in his essays and I have not kept track of any deadlines. I have not made sure he has had transcripts and SAT scores forwarded to the right place at the right time. My job has been more of a cheerleader and, of course a provider of the credit card!

However, it is easy to see why we get so involved in this process and why we take it so seriously: we want what is best for our kids and we know that going to college is one way to set our kids up for success. And since the system here in the US seems so complex I think we as parents feel we have to dive in and help.

The biggest hurdle for many of us, especially if we have grown up in a country where college education is free, is to accept how expensive it is to go to college here. Having grown up in Sweden, where college is indeed free, I still can’t get over the fact that we will pay thousands and thousands of dollars every year just for my son to attend school and then thousands more for room and board and books. It is breathtaking when you go to your first college information night and you see the cost breakdown posted on the white board. The next shock is the acceptance rates at many of these schools; some of them are lower than 10%.

I asked my son the other day what advice he would give fellow high school students applying to college. This is what he said: “First of all, don’t panic, you will find a school that fits your needs and you will get through the application process. You have to learn to pace yourself. One way to do that is to make your own checklists – for the application process, for the schools you want to apply to, etc. When you write your essays ‘be yourself’ and don’t lie – ever! Don’t over- edit, it will come out sounding generic and not like you. Lastly, don’t get too attached to one school and make sure you have a backup or two that you like.” So, there you go – advice straight from a freshly applied senior, who is anxiously awaiting word from a dozen schools or so.

My mom always says that she has been to more events/holiday themed parties/concerts at my kids’ schools than those of her grandchildren back home. It’s not because she visits us particularly often – usually once a year — but because by now, she has been here for every part of the year and between my three kids, she has caught just about every celebration that can be had in elementary and middle school. She has helped out at Christmas and Valentines parties, enjoyed talent shows and sing-alongs, watched art shows and school plays and helped set up year-end extravaganzas.

My mom is under the impression that there is a whole lot more going on in our schools here, compared to back home. I can’t tell for sure if my mom’s impression is correct, as my kids have all been in California for their entire school careers. I do know however, that there is a more or less constant request for supplies or help once your kid starts school. And when I talk to my brother in Sweden, who has two school age children, the picture is indeed different. Not that they never go to a school event; and sure, every now and then they are asked to bring empty toilet rolls or clothes pins for a classroom art project. Never however, has he been asked to cut 150 hearts out of pink and red paper or glue those hearts on to folded white cards. Never has he gotten the request for scary themed fruit platters for Halloween (serving 30, please!), or been asked to elaborately decorate a classroom for a Christmas party.

One of the most curious things in regards to schools here in the US is the fact that kids will have PE (Physical Education) without taking showers afterwards. I still have a hard time getting used to this, even though my kids have been doing it for years now. In some ways it is a little contrary to the whole idea of taking care of yourself and your body, which is a concept otherwise taught quite a bit. I am not sure what the reasons behind this practice are – is it modesty? Is it lack of appropriate facilities? Is it lack of time? I just don’t know. This New York Times article highlights the phenomenon.

I help serve lunch at my 8th grader’s school. Lunch here is very different from what I remember when I was in school. We really had no choice about what to eat – we ate at the cafeteria, where, if we were lucky we could say no thanks to fish if we didn’t like it and just have the mashed potatoes instead. We got in trouble if we tried to leave food on the plate or didn’t take vegetables with the main dish. Fast forward to today at my daughter’s school and I am serving meals that have been ordered and paid for online, selected from a choice of five or so warm entrees, a salad or sandwich. Some days, the choice includes pizza. My daughter, a picky eater at best, always brings her own packed lunch, as do many of her friends. No one checks to see if she finishes her food, no one tells her to eat her veggies – no one, other than I when she gets home. Unfortunately, it’s just a little too late by then!

New Years Eve 1999 was the year everyone threw a big party (or so it seemed). It was of course the year of the Y2K – the year of the hype and the worries surrounding the transition from one millennium to another. Not wanting to miss out on the family fun, my husband and I trekked from California to Sweden with our two kids in tow. We were going to host a party in the apartment we rented and had invited family and friends alike. We had big expectations but were brought down to earth almost immediately upon arrival; all four of us got the flu.

My husband was so sick and delirious that he had to go to the ER in the middle of the night. For a while, it seemed our party would be a no-go. Somehow, we all recuperated and the party was on (whether it was the Swedish drugs, the hot soup, the combination of jet lag and flu that knocked us out so badly that we just slept it all off, I don’t know). In the end, a good time was had by all! We even woke up on January 1, in the year 2000 to a world that was seemingly the same as it had been the night before.

I often think about this particular New Year’s Eve at this time of year, not because of the Y2K-thing, or the flu-thing, but because of my grandparents. My paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother were both there and I think it was the last time we celebrated all together. They were both old and becoming frail by then. They didn’t get along all that well, except for when they both had had a bit to drink – they were the best of friends then. I have pictures of them dancing that night; champagne glasses in their hands, smiles on their faces.

My grandparents never came to visit me in California. They were both terrified of flying. I don’t think my grandmother ever went on an airplane and my grandfather only once, as far as I know. I know they both would have loved to experience California. My grandfather would have been impressed with all things automotive, the focus on customer service at restaurants and stores and the grand landscapes. My grandmother would have loved walking around the neighborhoods around our house, admiring gardens and other houses. She would have wanted to visit art galleries in San Francisco and the Museum of Quilts and Textiles in San Jose. They both would have loved the coast and the ocean, no doubt about it.

My grandparents did not have computers or e-mail. I don’t think my grandmother ever had a cellphone, so there was no texting or sending pictures easily back and forth; there was no FaceTime or Facebook. We communicated mostly via letters and the occasional enclosed pictures. I would call every now and then, but mostly we wrote letters.

As much as I appreciate the ease with which I can communicate with my overseas family today, I am so glad I have those letters from my grandparents. I usually bring out a few around this time of year to read: my grandmother’s artsy cards and my grandfather’s family crest embossed letterhead. Sometimes, the letters are nothing more than simple greetings with observations of the latest day-to-day activities, others have book recommendations, words of encouragement, or thoughts on world events. These letters present a tangible window to the past – where we were, how we were feeling and what we were thinking. I still have those letters, a whole stack of them dating back to when I was a kid actually.

Sometimes I wonder if my own kids are not missing out on a great thing. Sure they can be in constant contact with most anyone around the globe at any time, all with a couple of keystrokes. They can snapchat and tweet and instagram and get immediate feedback from friends, family and strangers. But, most of that communication is fragmented and without context. When I feel a little homesick, or when I am missing my grandmother, I love that I can pull a letter out of a box. I love that I can touch it and smell it and trace the familiar handwriting. I love that I sometimes find a picture or a newspaper clipping. I love that if I want to, I can pull out one more.